Music = Life

Hey guys.
I don't know what to do.
So can you help me?
To whoever is reading this - is there even anyone reading/following my blog? - I need some serious help.
There's a guy.
Let's call him Joe. He's the average Joe.
He's two years younger than me, and he's a wonderful guy.
I love him to bits and pieces. Yes, love.
I've had these feelings for him for the past 2 years.
Before, I called it a crush, thinking that it would go away eventually and that I would move on.
But they never did.
They stuck with me.
Even when he got a girlfriend, they still stuck with me.
It hurt a lot.
I had followed through the stages.
Attraction.
Crush.
In Love.
Love.
Those are the stages of love, in my opinion.
When I first saw...Joe, I thought that he was really attractive and really cute.
That immediately sparked a crush.
That crush lasted even when he had a girlfriend.
There was a brief period of feeling nothing (because we didn't contact each other at all) over the summer, as I had my own dilemmas at that time.
Once the school year started again, the feelings returned once again.
And this time, in full force.
For the first few months, I was in love with him.
I loved his hugs, his smiles, his eyes, and his hair. I was in love with him and at a total loss.
Even while I was in love with him, he went on liking other girls and constantly telling me about them.
I just stayed, waiting patiently on the side as he went chasing after girls that crushed his heart.
I waited.
And through that waiting, I learned to love him.
He and I became close over the school year, to the point where I would call him my best friend.
We texted almost every day and every time I saw him at school, he would greet me with a hug.
I learned many things about him. Some that I didn't like, but looked over because those were just imperfections. I still embraced them, because they were a part of him. But I didn't let those rule on my feelings for him.
Throughout those times that I waited patiently for him, I learned to love him.
But I also learned to hide that love.
This is something that I've never really felt.
My first love never really returned the love back.
I was in love with my first love, but I never actually loved him.
This is something different, I can tell.
But I don't know what to do about it.
Because I'm done.
I'm done with waiting.
I'm done being patient and watch him chase other girls.
I'm done with my feelings.
I'm done with getting heartbroken over and over again, every single day.
I'm done with getting my hopes up whenever he would hug me, text me, or just hold me.
I'm done with going home and having reality crash over me.
The reality that he doesn't feel the same.
The reality that he's still in love with his ex.
The reality that he will never ever feel the same.
The reality that he just sees you as his best friend.
I'm done.
I'm just done.
I want to throw in the towel and call it quits.
I want to let go of my feelings and tell my heart to stop.
I want to stop loving him so that I can pick up the pieces of my heart again.
My heart hurts.
It hurts a lot.
And I'm done.
I'm saying my goodbyes.
Because I can't handle it any longer.
I'm moving on, because I can't handle the pain anymore.
I'm moving on, because this is what is best for me.
I'm moving on, because there is no hope for me at all.
I'm done.
I'm done.
I'm just so done.

I'm sorry.
I still love you.
And I don't know if I will ever find someone like you again.
But I'm sorry.
This is goodbye.
Because I can't handle the pain any longer.
It's killing me.
I can't stand it.
I'm sorry.
Goodbye.